Wednesday, 11 April 2007

Don't hire this man

Sorry about the bar on the blog, but circumstances dictate that I temporarily put some folks off the trail. My fears about getting pinged at work for excess Internet use became reality on Tuesday. Apparently the IT Nazis have discovered some 'questionable' sites that I've been visiting and when I was informed on that fact I immediately thought of this blog and how it occasionally flies in the face of the State Servants' Code of Conduct. Nothing so serious though. Allegedly I've been slavering over some dodgey 'adult' content websites, but looking back over my history I can only detect innocuous sites and the odd pesky porno popup that one can't avoid from time to time. Rotten will be highly amused to know that the way the Nazis track 'adult' content sites is through MailMarshall's cousin, WebMarshall, whose suspicions are instantly raised each time the word 'thumb' appears on a site, as in 'thumbnail', which is a clear and present indication of something pink and fleshy. It must admittedly be a bit disconcerting for my colleagues when I obviously have my pants around my ankles and am chugging away at my pudding with a box of kleenex close at hand while viewing this material.

Then again, they might be on to something with the site that I registered with in order to trick some libidinous female into writing to my brother-in-law in order to save him $80 each time he takes his love to town. Doh! Nevertheless, the Acting Manager wishes to make an example of me and has launched disciplinary proceedings. It's all a bit hard to take seriously, especially with the over-the-top corporate manner she's adopted. Here's an example of our email traffic from yesterday:


"Hi ......
I’ve just colluded and confirmed with myself what websites you could be referring to and they are so easily explained that some formal HR ‘process’ would be totally out of proportion to the perceived crime. Wouldn’t it simply be easier for me to explain that to you rather than be distracted from more important work issues?"


"Kia ora ........,

"Thanks for your email. I think in the interests of fairness, transparency and to protect all parties involved it is important that a sound process is applied to get a full and informed picture of what has occurred. For these reasons, and as discussed with you earlier this morning, I (still) intend to schedule a meeting with you, myself and HR (most likely ....... .........) to discuss what appears to be access by you to inappropriate, non-work related internet sites from your work computer.

"HR involvement in the meeting is required so that notes can be taken that accurately capture what has been said by all parties and so that we can be assured that the process for all parties involved is accurate, fair and transparent.

"I suggested to you this morning that you think about bringing along support at this meeting and while you initially declined that offer, if you change your mind, the offer to have support stands.

I am looking at scheduling a meeting at 1.00 pm, Thursday, 12 April subject to your, mine and ........'s availability.

If you have any further questions about this please raise them with myself and/or .......

If I have not accurately reflected our discussion this morning, please let me know.

Naku noa"

Nice. Anybody want to be my support person? Could have very high entertainment value. God, I'm a cunt. Who would ever want to hire me or be my manager, huh? I can feel a Wood&Company-type departure coming on, although I'm not actually as immune to risk adversity as I used to be; I already have a contract sitting on my desk for my next job.


Rotten said...

You go Kivak! Is there any way I could serve as your support person?

I know I can't get to NZ in time for the hearing, but please put forward the following brief from me on your behalf:

"Madame Inquisitor, members of the jury: please excuse my client's naive offer to clear up this embarrasing issue without the publically-funded spectacle you are about to endure. He doesn't grasp the workings of the bureaucratic pig mind, and surrounded by you souless fiends for far too long he has forgotten that you pit-eyed robots live for this kind of tax-payer sponsored cabaret...

As to the charges:
'Access by you to inappropriate, non-work related internet sites from your work computer.'

What, the porn? This, madame, was part of a pro-active program of team building initiated by my client to improve the dismal morale suffered by himself and the rest of the inmates toiling away in the spirit-slaughtering atmosphere of your hideous department like a chain gang of information age coolies. What little workplace satisfaction there is to be had down there results from the boys doing a bit of poon surfing and then taking turns going to the toilet to 'punch the clown.'

My client concedes he should have notified you of this initiative before launching it, a diabolical failure of communications which he regrets. If you really cared to fulfill your title of manager and, you know, manage your personnel rather than leaving the dirty work to insidious computer programs like the MailMarshall and the WebMarshall you could actually drop by the office some time and my client would be more than happy to discuss reinstating, with your official cachet, his morale-boosting pornbreak program.

Either way, no harm, no foul. My client offers you this ten-pack of triple quilted dunny paper as restitution for all the rolls he and the lads buttered up while on the company dime.

I think you will agree that this explains my client's 'suspect' behavior in a way that is as transparent and fair as you could hope for. If you would like to schedule a further process with my client, or would just like to tongue the tip of his 'clown' while he lubes up and 'punches' it, please feel free to schedule another meeting (depending on availability)."

...I hope this gets to you in time to use at the meeting, Kivak. I think it could really pull your fat out of the fire.

In any event, let us know how your trip to the principle's office turned out.


tvc said...

Andrew, you perv. I hope you forwarded Rotten's letter to the boss. Don't you have a home PC you can surf porn on?