Sodomise my mind

Sorry to bore you two with work-related matters, but the drama is continuing and it has the ability to make good copy. I thought that little mind-sodomisingly petty bureaucratic process I was involved in last week would have died a natural death by now, but it's still being pursued with the clueless mindlessness of Shane Warne pursuing an emotional engagement via texting. Despite handing in my resignation and departing in a couple weeks' time, the matter has reached the stage where I'm now having to think seriously about involving lawyers and causing maximum embarrassment for the Chief Executive of the outfit. My hope is that he's trying to remain above the fray and doesn't want to be dragged through the dirt and will therefore rein in the lower management and the unbridled animus they're exhibiting toward me. Sure I've been a dick, but the manner in which it's been escalated is totally over the top. I got a classic letter today from the Acting Manager stressing the seriousness of the matter, which I'll try and scan and put up on the blog tomorrow. The bureaucratic language is a real treat, and I'm going to have to reciprocate in kind.

Krtek opet slavi narozeniny

Here's my birthday cake from the postponed party on Saturday night. The Krtek theme comes curtesy of the missus, who, whenever I'm in the garden turning the sod in her vegetable patch says: "Krtek reje zahradku". My brothers up from the Dunedin wondered how a krtek can have such big eyes though. The cake was made by Michal and Jana from the local Czech community, but they must have radiated the stuff they made the grass from; it got trampled into the living room carpet and has consequently turned it a slightly different colour.

The final flourish...until the inevitable next time

Mhyeeeeeee! Good advice there Rotten from the last post. It did indeed get to me in time, but as much as I wanted to print it off, frame it in gold lame, present it to Frau Torquemada and rest my case, I ended up only using snippets of it in today's highly amusing tete-a-tete (sorry about the lack of accents here PAM). Actually it wasn't an intimate head-to-head at all, as Our Big Fat Greek Pudding was there as well taking notes; I just hope she took down the right notes, i.e. the bits where I paraphrased Rotten. I managed to squeeze in a reference to buttering the toilet paper, but I think it sailed past them and wasn't entered into the minutes (I'll post a copy once I get hold of it - I told them I wanted a copy to share among all my mates). I was taken to task for not giving due respect to what was a 'very serious' matter, to which I replied that their little bureaucratic process was about as serious as George Bush winning a two-thirds Senate majority to amend the constitution to allow him a third term in office. I think that one sailed past as well. And I asked whether the two alleged sites I'd been viewing (one a Skype-style online chat site that has recently morphed into a peep site for pervs and the other a dating site where I was looking for pick-ups for the brother-in-law) were anything like viewing something like - another Rotten line - cumguzzlinggrannies.com.

To cut a half-hour story short, I eventually delivered the coup-de-grace and final flourish by presenting her with my resignation letter and signing it in front of her. Went down like a cup of cold sick, just as I anticipated. Life would be a little dull without some drama from time to time.

Don't hire this man

Sorry about the bar on the blog, but circumstances dictate that I temporarily put some folks off the trail. My fears about getting pinged at work for excess Internet use became reality on Tuesday. Apparently the IT Nazis have discovered some 'questionable' sites that I've been visiting and when I was informed on that fact I immediately thought of this blog and how it occasionally flies in the face of the State Servants' Code of Conduct. Nothing so serious though. Allegedly I've been slavering over some dodgey 'adult' content websites, but looking back over my history I can only detect innocuous sites and the odd pesky porno popup that one can't avoid from time to time. Rotten will be highly amused to know that the way the Nazis track 'adult' content sites is through MailMarshall's cousin, WebMarshall, whose suspicions are instantly raised each time the word 'thumb' appears on a site, as in 'thumbnail', which is a clear and present indication of something pink and fleshy. It must admittedly be a bit disconcerting for my colleagues when I obviously have my pants around my ankles and am chugging away at my pudding with a box of kleenex close at hand while viewing this material.

Then again, they might be on to something with the adultfriendfinder.com site that I registered with in order to trick some libidinous female into writing to my brother-in-law in order to save him $80 each time he takes his love to town. Doh! Nevertheless, the Acting Manager wishes to make an example of me and has launched disciplinary proceedings. It's all a bit hard to take seriously, especially with the over-the-top corporate manner she's adopted. Here's an example of our email traffic from yesterday:

Me:

"Hi ......
I’ve just colluded and confirmed with myself what websites you could be referring to and they are so easily explained that some formal HR ‘process’ would be totally out of proportion to the perceived crime. Wouldn’t it simply be easier for me to explain that to you rather than be distracted from more important work issues?"

Her:

"Kia ora ........,

"Thanks for your email. I think in the interests of fairness, transparency and to protect all parties involved it is important that a sound process is applied to get a full and informed picture of what has occurred. For these reasons, and as discussed with you earlier this morning, I (still) intend to schedule a meeting with you, myself and HR (most likely ....... .........) to discuss what appears to be access by you to inappropriate, non-work related internet sites from your work computer.

"HR involvement in the meeting is required so that notes can be taken that accurately capture what has been said by all parties and so that we can be assured that the process for all parties involved is accurate, fair and transparent.

"I suggested to you this morning that you think about bringing along support at this meeting and while you initially declined that offer, if you change your mind, the offer to have support stands.

I am looking at scheduling a meeting at 1.00 pm, Thursday, 12 April subject to your, mine and ........'s availability.

If you have any further questions about this please raise them with myself and/or .......

If I have not accurately reflected our discussion this morning, please let me know.

Naku noa"

Nice. Anybody want to be my support person? Could have very high entertainment value. God, I'm a cunt. Who would ever want to hire me or be my manager, huh? I can feel a Wood&Company-type departure coming on, although I'm not actually as immune to risk adversity as I used to be; I already have a contract sitting on my desk for my next job.

Happy 'kulatý' Birthday to me

Just about managed to align the number of posts with my birthday number today, but didn't quite make it. PAM got me close, but we fell just a couple agonisingly short. The bouquets, 'Debbie Does Dallas' DVDs, jars of haemorrhoid cream, odor eaters, Turd Family porcelain pieces, Densa Club membership forms and toupees have all been rolling in through the post today to mark yet another momentous occasion in this year's calendar. The New Zealand cricket team celebrated in appropriate fashion by crafting a win against Bangladesh in the World Cup to almost guarantee themselves a berth in the semi-finals, while the All Whites defiantly refused to allow an eighth goal past them in their match against Venezuela.

What was I doing this time eleven years ago? Getting totally rubbered at U Potočku just up the road from Budova 'A'. I think I lost a pair of glasses but gained about three bottles of Scotch as a result of that wee celebration. It was the 29th I recall and was probably the best birthday of all. The 30th was combined with somebody else in the Adria poolhall with the lovely young Georgian barmaid and her delightful brother, the aspiring mafia don with a Smith & Wesson tucked into his sock. Road Warrior was in a munificent mood and had handed out Svijany t-shirts to all-comers, or was it Budvar t-shirts? That must have been during one his regular midnight runs to Liberec to liaise with his then squeeze, which required displays of dexterity on the backseat of the Skodovka never seen before or since. Back at Adria I think I used Rotten's newly acquired apparel to mop up my spilt beer.

And in case you forgot how I looked at the time, PAM has kindly donated another snappy picture from his collection. C'est magnifique, n'est pas?

The shitting bird, witness of the decadence

This is a bit of a cryptic one up above. I'm not sure I understand it either, but I'm sure PAM will enlighten us further. The lower one here, though blurry, is still very clear. PAM only had these in draft form, so I'm going to nudge him into making some comments by publishing now. Administrator's perogative ;) Besides, we've gone a few days without anyone writing a single word...

La théorie du couloir des toilettes

(Please take a French accent to read these lines and forgive me for my poor Frenglish...)

Kivak has already mentioned some words about the theory of the "corridor of the toilets". This "balení" concept has probably not just disapeared after the destruction of the Vacha's camp. We should rather admit that the new technologies has not only allowed us to digitilize our life but also has made the hunting manoeuvres easier. Remember, for instance, how it was hard to reach the good timing to avoid to stay ten minutes, as an idiot, in this stinking passage, waiting for passing the demoiselle! Consider now how it could be so easy now to stand with a mobile phone, instead of reading again the inscriptions on the wall!